Are you successful, but unhappy?

Oh, wow, that is a big question. And that can be a scary question too.

We have been taught that if you are successful you get a free pass to happiness.

We are supposed to be happy because we are successful. Right!?!!

In my observations and experience “the success” does not equal happiness.

It can bring happiness, and sometimes it does, but often it does not.

Some time ago, in a private conversation with an engaging successful business woman, she confided in me, "From the outside looking in, my life looks great."

She continued to say with some hesitancy, "I have a beautiful house. I have a great job.

I love my family, and have wonderful friends. But it is in the quiet moments, when I am alone, that I have this feeling that I can't seem to shake, it feels like there is something missing.”

She paused for a moment, looked down as she twisted her wedding ring, then looked up at me, her voice became quiet as she confessed, “I am not happy. What is missing

is happiness.”

As women, we are taught from a young age that only selfish, uncaring, thoughtless, greedy, uncharitable, self-absorbed people aren't happy if they have the nice house,

the great job, the loving family, the wonderful friends.

We are taught that there is something seriously wrong with you if you have success

and you are not happy.

You are not humble enough.

You are not appreciative enough.

You are not grateful enough.

So we hide our unhappiness like a dirty little secret. “I am great. Yes. I’m fine.

Really, I'm fine.”

Except that I know from experience that when women say they are, “Fine.” They mostly are not fine.

I was walking up the stairs with a white plastic rectangular basket of laundry. In the middle of the stairs I unexpectedly stopped, leaned against the wall, closed my eyes, sighed an annoyed guttural frustrated sigh, and said out loud to myself, “When did I become the damn maid?”

Leaning on the wall with my eyes closed, gripping that damn white plastic rectangle laundry basket I tried to summon up the smallest hint of happiness, but instead I had the overwhelming exhaustive thought, “When did I become so incredibly unhappy?”

Immediately I felt an onslaught of staggering guilt. Standing on the stairs, pushing against the wall, I shook my head desperately trying to dislodge the unbearable load.

A shudder came over me as I thought, “How can I be so unhappy when I have two great kids, a wonderful husband and a nice house?”

Normally, in moments like this, I would have stopped the negative thought immediately. Then I would have scolded myself for indulging in negative ungrateful thinking and pulled up my figurative boot straps, straightened up and continued walking up the stairs like a good wife and mother while scolding myself for not being appreciative for all the good in my life.

But instead of pulling up my boot straps, I stayed there leaning against that wall. And then I was filled with what can best be described as grace, the purest most profound courageous kind-of grace, and grace allowed me to give myself the gift of releasing

my judgment and it gave me the strength to tell myself the truth.

I am a smart woman. I understood that the life I created was good, even great.

I knew the truth was that I was grateful for all the good in my life.

And, in that same moment I also knew the truth that I simply was not happy.

Grateful? Oh, yes.

Unhappy? Oh, yes.

As I stood there with my heart open wide an additional truth entered, “Being grateful and being happy are two very different things”

Being unhappy does not make me ungrateful.

Being ungrateful makes me ungrateful.

Being unhappy means that I am not happy.

I was gifted with the understanding that I was both grateful and unhappy.

Unhappiness can be sneaky. I think that what happens is that unhappiness slowly creeps over us like a light mist that turns into a deep dense fog causing us to unknowingly get lost and lose our way.

We get lost in the fog of the demands on our life. We get so busy taking care of other people and other people's concerns that we absently start to ignore our own needs.

Initially the process of meeting the demands can feel rewarding and even invigorating. But as we slowly stop paying attention to our own needs we become numb to our desires.

And when we finally take a moment to pause and look up, we see we are off-course and can’t seem to remember how to find our way back to ourselves. This is the moment we see our unhappiness.

Now you might think that the awareness of being unhappy would have made me even more unhappy, but no it did not make me more unhappy, in fact it did the exact opposite.

It made me feel delighted.

It made me feel free.

It allowed me to let go of my dirty little secret and step boldly into possibility.

Telling myself the truth that day changed my life because awareness is the catalyst

for change.

Telling myself the truth that day allowed me to start taking care of myself as powerfully

as I take care of other people.

Telling myself the truth that day allowed me to make new strategic choices that turned my unhappiness to happiness.

Many women have lives that look great from the outside looking in and when they tell me they are unhappy, I believe them and I understand their pain.

I understand those quiet moments, when they are alone, and they have the feeling that there is something missing, but they have been too afraid to speak the truth out loud.

And when they whisper to me their dirty little secret of their unhappiness, there is

no judgment, only delight.

Because I understand, and now you understand, that awareness is the access to change. It allows for new strategies. And the truth opens us up to the possibility of creating the thing that is missing, happiness.

So, if you happen to have a white plastic rectangle laundry basket, and if while you happen to be walking up the stairs, and you happen to lean into the wall and sigh loudly, do not, I repeat, do not pause and pull up your boot straps. No!

Be grateful. Be unhappy.

Allow yourself the delight of awareness.

Allow yourself the opportunity to change your strategies.

And allow yourself the grace to reclaim your happiness.